Awkward Situations.

Here's a list of situations I get all squirmy about. I know they're a little silly - that most people deal with these issues without breaking a sweat - but I figured I'd use the cold comfort of the internet to divulge the pickles in which i find myself. Here are a few...


Trying to collect a personal loan from a 400 pound meth addict with the words "born to die" tattooed across his face.

Asking a stripper if she can change a five dollar bill for 20 quarters.

Walking around with a rolled up dollar bill up my nose at a police taser seminar.

Being afraid of asking for extra ranch dressing at a restaurant out of the fear of being judged and thought of as a fatty fat fuck.

Realizing I, in a drunken fit, accidentally entered into a long term relationship with a woman I met on Craigslist that openly admitted to castrating her last four boyfriends, one of which being the proprietor of a Tupperware booth at a local flea market, who, in a bit of tragic irony, had just won the Tupperware regional "Gold Star" award for most Tupperware sales by a person with testicles.

Pooping at a bridal registry kiosk. I know, I'm weird, but I just get all awkward when I do it.

Using the baby Jesus doll to attempt suicide while performing on stage at a christmas pageant.

Prematurely ejaculating, then pretending I have a leg cramp as my reason for stopping.

Running for mayor of my town, getting nominated, then elected, then realizing I actually wanted to learn how to parasail instead.

Having to change a tire outside a lesbian bar.

Do you have any awkward situations you'd like to share? Great! Use a razor and write them across your chest and email the picture to Glenn Beck.