In tonight's episode, you'll learn why I grew a fake beard and you'll cry as you watch Charlie drown when he clearly could have swam out of the busted window in the underwater station!
But first, more made up awkward situations! LLLOOLL!
farting into the casket at a closed casket funeral knowing full well that people would assume the smell is the corpse but still carrying the guilt that i disrespected the recently deceased to avoid public humiliation.
crying during one of those sarah mclachlan "please help animals" commercials then publicly making fun of it with tears in my eyes.
lying about my knowledge of the rules of high school golf.
confessing my sins to a priest then later learning the priest was actually a homeless guy sitting on the other side of the booth. not to come out of the elements and get warm but because he wanted to rationalize his own misgivings.
clipping coupons for products i don't normally buy, then finally getting around to using them only to discover at the checkout lane they are expired.
getting a tattoo on my penis of a larger penis and later finding out that it's no longer cool to do that sort of thing.
using a 5/16" stainless steel hoop to pierce my butt cheeks together and later finding out that it was never cool to begin with.
using a typewriter to write my suicide note and finding out later, as a ghost, that people didn't heed my cries for help because they thought the usage of a typewriter was an attempt at being hip or ironic.
talking to a taco bell employee through the drive-thru speaker and misrepresenting my height only to later see them in public and hoping they won't confront me about the lie.
performing life-saving fellatio on a street-performing mime and later learning that a silent clown grasping at his throat while pointing at his crotch doesn't translate to "suck my cock or i'll die."
paying thousands of dollars in legal fees to learn that i cannot force a mime to speak in court as to what grasping at his throat while pointing at his crotch means.
dealing with the low yield of the high effort in discovering what a face-painted mute's semen tastes like. (hint: think cashews and vinegar)
jokingly blaming our president for events, ranging from trivial to super serious, that he could not have in any way been responsible for and later learning that other people do the same with the utmost sincerity.
telling my darkest secrets in a post on a website without even getting the gratification of anyone actually reading it.
have an awkward situation you want to share?
great! light a candle and unintentionally say obscure movie quotes backwards at midnight on the 13 month anniversary of you finally shutting the fuck up!!
