Awkward Situations Season 3 Finale

In tonight's episode, you'll learn why I grew a fake beard and you'll cry as you watch Charlie drown when he clearly could have swam out of the busted window in the underwater station!

But first, more made up awkward situations! LLLOOLL!


farting into the casket at a closed casket funeral knowing full well that people would assume the smell is the corpse but still carrying the guilt that i disrespected the recently deceased to avoid public humiliation.

crying during one of those sarah mclachlan "please help animals" commercials then publicly making fun of it with tears in my eyes.

lying about my knowledge of the rules of high school golf.

confessing my sins to a priest then later learning the priest was actually a homeless guy sitting on the other side of the booth. not to come out of the elements and get warm but because he wanted to rationalize his own misgivings.

clipping coupons for products i don't normally buy, then finally getting around to using them only to discover at the checkout lane they are expired.

getting a tattoo on my penis of a larger penis and later finding out that it's no longer cool to do that sort of thing.

using a 5/16" stainless steel hoop to pierce my butt cheeks together and later finding out that it was never cool to begin with.

using a typewriter to write my suicide note and finding out later, as a ghost, that people didn't heed my cries for help because they thought the usage of a typewriter was an attempt at being hip or ironic.

talking to a taco bell employee through the drive-thru speaker and misrepresenting my height only to later see them in public and hoping they won't confront me about the lie.

performing life-saving fellatio on a street-performing mime and later learning that a silent clown grasping at his throat while pointing at his crotch doesn't translate to "suck my cock or i'll die."

paying thousands of dollars in legal fees to learn that i cannot force a mime to speak in court as to what grasping at his throat while pointing at his crotch means.

dealing with the low yield of the high effort in discovering what a face-painted mute's semen tastes like. (hint: think cashews and vinegar)

jokingly blaming our president for events, ranging from trivial to super serious, that he could not have in any way been responsible for and later learning that other people do the same with the utmost sincerity.

telling my darkest secrets in a post on a website without even getting the gratification of anyone actually reading it.


have an awkward situation you want to share?
great! light a candle and unintentionally say obscure movie quotes backwards at midnight on the 13 month anniversary of you finally shutting the fuck up!!

Punch Me!!1!

To promote the first annual Punch Mel Duncan Day, here's some playful punching on me from co-worker/iron tri-athlete Mike Schwab. Punch My Face Day is this Friday. Events start at 7:55pm EST. Cupcakes and Punch will be provided.

Awkward Situations.

Here's a list of situations I get all squirmy about. I know they're a little silly - that most people deal with these issues without breaking a sweat - but I figured I'd use the cold comfort of the internet to divulge the pickles in which i find myself. Here are a few...


Trying to collect a personal loan from a 400 pound meth addict with the words "born to die" tattooed across his face.

Asking a stripper if she can change a five dollar bill for 20 quarters.

Walking around with a rolled up dollar bill up my nose at a police taser seminar.

Being afraid of asking for extra ranch dressing at a restaurant out of the fear of being judged and thought of as a fatty fat fuck.

Realizing I, in a drunken fit, accidentally entered into a long term relationship with a woman I met on Craigslist that openly admitted to castrating her last four boyfriends, one of which being the proprietor of a Tupperware booth at a local flea market, who, in a bit of tragic irony, had just won the Tupperware regional "Gold Star" award for most Tupperware sales by a person with testicles.

Pooping at a bridal registry kiosk. I know, I'm weird, but I just get all awkward when I do it.

Using the baby Jesus doll to attempt suicide while performing on stage at a christmas pageant.

Prematurely ejaculating, then pretending I have a leg cramp as my reason for stopping.

Running for mayor of my town, getting nominated, then elected, then realizing I actually wanted to learn how to parasail instead.

Having to change a tire outside a lesbian bar.

Do you have any awkward situations you'd like to share? Great! Use a razor and write them across your chest and email the picture to Glenn Beck.

Screen Shots - Happy Hour

This is a shot from a Steak and Shake commercial advertising their half price drink campaign from 2 - 4 pm on weekdays.

Just look at these people. Look at the pure ecstacy in their faces. It's bordering on frantic. Holy fuck these people need a (non-alcoholic) drink. Nothing in their lives before of after this moment has or will ever come close to this in terms of relevance or life-changing phenomena.

Look at the dude. We'll call him "the amazing beard." Look at him. He is staring in the face of God, and it's more soul-shaking than he'd ever prepared himself for. He's in one of those dreams where you try to scream but no sound comes out. He thought he was in line for the Kyuss reunion, but when he realized it was only for cheap drinks, his face and scream remained the same, but he had a different motivation behind them.

Then there's the lady. We'll call her Meredith from The Office. She's lived a hard life. Man after man after man, all liars, all users, all abusive drunks. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to get off the methadone and slow down on the cigarettes. She had to make something of herself for her four (surviving) children. She's there for a 50% off shake - a vanilla one, of course. God bless her.


do you have a funny screen shot? cool story. go into paint a draw a picture of a dong on it and email it to your parents.